


When I Gave You That Ring.

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Break Up, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Heartache, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Make Up, Swearing, cuts and bruises, implied nsfw, jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 16:18:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11421615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: Lily is a drunken messy shell of someone coming to terms with the fact that she broke her own heart and that maybe the truths she tells herself about James Potter aren't really truths at all. Sometimes, its only by admitting that can you heal your wounds.





	When I Gave You That Ring.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know what it is about writing a messy, fumbling, heartbroken and way too drunk Lily Evans but the more I develop her character the idea of her realizing just how ridiculously in denial she is about being head over fucking heels for James Potter is my absolute favourite.
> 
> Inspiration: http://tokyogrey.tumblr.com/post/73273887707/a-kiss-isnt-just-a-kiss-kissing-someone-you and http://iclungtoy0u.tumblr.com/post/91781450007/that-night-i-drunk-anything-that-was-handed-to-me
> 
> Waring: Implied NSFW content, alcohol and swearing
> 
> Enjoy,

  * She remembers the night he ran his fingers along the curve of her spine
  * Along every bump and ridge over and over again like he was playing playing a harp and the sounds from the strings were too sweet to stop 
  * His nose filled with the honey of her hair 
  * His lips gently pressed into the expanse of her neck
  * Murmurs about her, about them, imprinted there
  * Sometimes she can still feel it
  * _‘What are you most afraid of Lily?’_
  * _‘The lockers after a Quidditch games, the smell is unbearable’_
  * His laugh still reverberates in her core
  * His hand grasping her hip 
  * Its a feeling she has yet to wash away
  * But then there’s silence in the air throughout their room, silence in the memory
  * All but his voice in her ear
  * _‘What do you blame yourself for?’_
  * _‘My sister’_
  * And he had pulled her close
  * Her voice soft and low and guilty
  * His palm flat against the valley of her stomach
  * His legs curved to length of her thigh
  * It had continued for weeks 
  * _‘Are you disappointed in yourself?’_
  * She had rolled her eyes
  * _‘Only in my inability to get you to pick your socks off the floor Potter’_
  * _‘Are you filled with sadness?’_
  * She had sniffled and lifted the blanket further up her shoulders
  * _‘If you forgot my peanut butter salted caramel ice cream then yes’_
  * _‘Do you feel disconnected?’_
  * As she been dragging her lips over his chest
  * A smile dancing on her lips
  * _‘Most definitely not’_
  * She had lifted herself up
  * His eyes boring into the endless forest of hers
  * His calloused palms grasping at her naked skin, pulling her forward, pulling her close
  * And she finds herself arching towards it now
  * Finds herself aching all over again when the realization hits her
  * It is just her in this bed, in this flat, in  _their_ home
  * And then she’s searching blindly for a remedy to a heartbreak she hadn’t anticipated
  * And it doesn’t matter that the sun is new or the world is bright
  * Her wand flicks the curtains closed
  * And she drinks anything that finds its way into her hands
  * Trying not to let the burning down the column of her throat  remind her of the way his mouth tainted her skin
  * Trying not to let the fact that she’s tripped over more tables and collapsed on more dance floors night after night since he left than she will probably ever remember
  * And the ground is all too familiar under her hands rather than her feet now
  * And she hates the way it reminds her of the same way she fell for him
  * **Hard, unwavering,** ** _devastatingly_** **painful**
  * And she’s clinging to the bathroom wall trying not to lean forward
  * Trying not empty the contents of her stomach
  * Trying not to let the butterflies he gave her leave their graves beneath her ribs
  * Another piece of him that she can’t bear to lose
  * She’s trying not to stare at the cuts that decorate her hands from where she gripped the stone walls to keep upright the day he left
  * From where shattered glass pierced her skin because seeing double often meant she shared her brokenness with everything around her
  * She runs her fingers along the markings, the scars, the unfamiliar planes of her
  * She hadn’t even felt it
  * Hadn’t noticed that the outside of her was exactly like the inside
  * But she was starting to 
  * Starting to see that when the pretty strangers pressed themselves against her their hands laid on all the wrong places 
  * And she found herself comparing the shape of their lips to lips she hadn’t touched in months
  * They always tasted like alcohol
  * Kissed like they didn’t care
  * When they should have kissed like their lives depended on it
  * When James should have been kissing her like his life depended on it
  * And it made her crave him
  * Crave the way a kiss with someone you’re madly in love with feels like trying to extinguish a forest fire inside of your chest with a small glass of water
  * Their tongue is a gun in your mouth
  * A gun that’s forcing you to stand still and obey as their cigarette fingers slowly burn holes in your body
  * Your left nothing less than addicted 
  * And ruined 
  * And utterly bereft when they go
  * Because they always go
  * And she always made sure they did
  * _‘Let’s go to bed Lily’_
  * She doesn’t have to look up to know its Marlene
  * To know its Dorcas
  * To know its Mary
  * She can hear the disappointment as they peel her from the bathroom floor
  * Knowing the routine has just begun
  * Stripping her clean of her ruined clothes
  * Ones she won’t wash, ones that won’t leave their spot on the bathroom floor now
  * Standing her upright under a cold shower
  * Tucking her into bed and looking at the stars wondering how they got here
  * How  **she**  got here
  * Little do they know she’s wondering the same thing
  * Wondering about how something as small as running his fingers over her spine can make her give up on moving on
  * How something as small as those questions he had asked in their bed can make her need to rip the truth from the cage of her body and hand it to him on a platter of silver
  * His voice had been low
  * The words breathy against her shoulder
  * Questions she left unanswered
  * Until now
  * ‘Jamie’
  * Her voice is coarse
  * She hasn’t spoken out loud in days
  * Hasn’t left her room in days
  * ‘What are you doing here?’
  * Here
  * Outside his front door
  * In the middle of winter
  * And she hasn’t got a coat because she apparated as soon as it hit her
  * ‘I need to- I wanted to… I lied.’
  * The light of his eyes is dim the longer they focus on her
  * And she’s afraid she might have doused his fire
  * The one that had set her whole world ablaze
  * And her regret swarms her head faster than alcohol ever could
  * Because shes afraid she’s ruined James Potter for the rest of the world
  * And that would be a hell of a waste
  * ‘Lily you need to go-‘
  * Her heart  **recoils**
  * And she deserves it
  * Deserves to be lashed with the venom he never spit at her when he left
  * The venom she wished he had because then maybe she wouldn’t be so entirely at fault
  * ‘You asked me once what I was most afraid of losing, what truth I was hiding from myself and I lied to you. I told you I didn’t know, that I was too young to know, I was too naive. But I know. I knew.’
  * His face reads nothing
  * His eyes read nothing
  * _And merlin can’t he see its just too much?_
  * That everything she ever did to keep just enough of a chasm between them was an utterly ridiculous attempt to hurt herself
  * She had never imagined that he would hurt just as much
  * ‘Lily-‘
  * ‘It was you James. You I was afraid of, who I was hiding from. I knew as soon as you asked. To be frank I knew it at school and it scared me half to death back then so I’m not really surprised at all that it scared me now.’
  * His lips part slightly
  * His grip on the door slackening
  * ‘I  _hated_ that I could need someone that much. That I  **wanted**  someone that much. That is was you.’
  * ‘Lily-’
  * ‘I’m just not made for this, can’t you see that? Look at me! I don’t know how to be this girlfriend or this wife that I can see in your eyes when you look at me! I don’t know how to be that woman and maybe I’ll never be her- I mean, I’m a walking disaster James- you left and all I could remember how to cook was the way you eat your eggs and every bloody time I went to grab a jumper I realized they were all yours, every single one! I’m not-’
  * But he’s pulling her inside
  * And the familiar burn from his hands is all her mind can focus on
  * _It’s like they never left_
  * ‘I don’t need you to be some wife Lily.’
  * She’s staring into the softness of his face wondering how someone could ever be this patient, ever be this kind
  * ‘When I gave that you ring I was asking you to let me love you, I was hoping I would get to show everyone just how much I adore you.’
  * She’s locked in place, her muscles frozen
  * A feeling of calm washing over her so strange and unsettling that she can’t help the tears that prickle her eyes
  * Can’t help that her forehead has found a resting place against his chest
  * And her hands are gripping his waist
  * His running over her back
  * Along every bump and ridge over and over again
  * _Just like before_
  * ‘I want to marry you because you hate making the bed and you can drink me under the table and because .. because you’re so afraid to let yourself love me back.’
  * She grips him harder
  * Feels the butterflies awakening inside her
  * Feels the stone around her heart break for the first time in months
  * ‘And I want to show you for the rest of my life that _its okay not be okay_.’
  * She raises her head
  * ‘James.’ 
  * His hands coming around to cup her cheeks
  * ‘Yes love?’
  * Maybe she is afraid
  * Afraid that he’ll leave her like everyone did before
  * Afraid that the dark holes inside of her will infect him like they infect her
  * Afraid that when the seasons change and she changes, he’ll stop loving her
  * But if there anything Lily Evans is in this life its bold and brash and more certain about the way her heart pulls at James than she ever has been before
  * **‘Marry me.’**
  * Because  _yes_ she is absolutely terrified
  * But if she doesn’t let one of the best people in her life know just how irrevocably and unequivocally adored he is, then whats the point?
  * Life is sharing your heart
  * And James Potter will  _always_ be worth the ache



**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/162677101327/when-i-gave-you-that-ring


End file.
